Denying myself.

That’s hard.

I want easy.

If it’s hard

I expect to be at least paid for it

Or publicly recognized.

 

All those little no’s,

All those little yes’s,

Everyday

Without recognition,

Without reward

 

For now.

 

When it comes to this life

My perspective is ridiculously narrow.

70-80 years at best.

And the book closes there.

Right?

Though I know better,

It’s how I live…

A lot.

 

If my value is my health,

Wealth and personal happiness,

In this brief span of

70-80 years,

Then denying myself

Does not fit into the equation

At all.

 

I don’t like hard.

The idea of sharing in Christ’s suffering,

Taking up my cross

Daily…

Of building a Kingdom

I mostly can’t see,

And following

A God whose values differ

So starkly from mine…

It’s like when I hike

And I look ahead at the path,

Looming,

Narrow,

Steep,

Getting steeper by the minute,

And I get all worn out

Just seeing what I need to do next

And the “it’s too hard,” and the “I can’t”s

Nearly paralyze all progress.

 

But you don’t set out to climb a mountain

And stop half way

Just cause every square inch of your poor, uncomfortable body

Wants to be transported to a hot tub, stat.

So I focus my gaze closer,

Just a bit ahead,

So all that is in my immediate view

Is the hiking boots

Of the one who is walking ahead of me.

Cause seeing someone else clamber those

Insurmountable reaches first

Gives me hope.

Makes me think, maybe I can too.

And if I can’t see the feet ahead,

I look at my own feet.

Focus on just one step at a time.

It keeps me sane

And keeps me going,

On and up,

Denying myself,

Following my friend,

Doing hard things.

It always helps if we talk.

Cause it helps me forget,

Briefly, my burning calves,

The pain of the next step.

It’s even better if we laugh

And tell stories

And get lost

In sharing memories

And dreams,

And secrets,

And hopes

And when all the words dry up

There is always singing.

 

So the narrow road is hard,

I get it.

And all that seems

To ease the journey

Is companionship

Along the way

And a “one-step at time”

Perspective,

And water breaks,

And singing,

And the reward.

Cause there is a reward.

The Bible tells me so.

I haven’t reached those

Eternal heights yet

So I can’t say exactly,

But anyone who has ever climbed a mountain knows

The reward is the view.

And maybe that’ll be it in Heaven too.

Looking down,

Seeing all those miles you toiled

Below the clouds,

Seeing it all now

As beautiful

And worth it.

 

All that dying to self,

Denying, carrying my cross,

All the little no’s,

All the little yes’s,

Seemingly unrecognized,

All those little steps,

All the pain,

All those conversations

As you follow your friend

Up the mountain

Worth it.

 

“Self-denial…

means seeing only Christ,

who goes ahead of us,

and no longer the path

that is too difficult for us.

Self-denial is saying only;

He goes ahead of us;

hold fast to him,”

Deitrich Bonhoeffer

Maybe we need all this white.

True, it’s work, sometimes.

But the neighbour kids think it’s freedom.

They brag about the growing size of their snow drift.

I remember being like them.

Never despising the season.

But seeing every snowdrift,

Every downfall of more white

As an opportunity.

 

The white has no edges,

Even the sky is white.

Like we slowed down enough that

we went back in time

to old photographs,

pencil sketches here and there,

but mostly,

all this space.

All this white.

 

White is very “in.”

It’s clean.

Fresh.

Simple.

Freeing.

 

White kitchen cabinets,

White bedroom walls,

White sheets and coffee mugs.

 

 

Maybe it’s all exposing

All our need for this,

For empty space.

 

My favourite thinking spot

Is in my white room.

Where there is nothing on the walls.

I’m a picture-aholic.

Paintings, photos, quotes,, chalkboard paint,

Let’s not even start on the pattered wallpaper…

And those rooms are cozy,

And bright and happy,

Inspiring, eye-catching,

But what they don’t offer

Is a blank space,

A space without edges.

 

I need all this space

All this white.

 

There are no tracks in the snow yet

Cause it’s Sunday morning

And it snowed all night

And the snowplows have yet to come,

Scraping and sanding

To make productivity possible again

so everyone is sleeping in.

The white invites this.

Slowing.

Staring.

Silence.

Seeing

Endless possibility

And sometimes just what it is,

Nothing.

 

All these tracks in my mind,

Need to be covered up

By a good dump of snow.

I could start fresh,

Simple,

Free.

All these words, feelings, plans,

Endless planning,

Need to be covered up.

Or erased.

I like that better.

Erased.

 

But to not make tracks

I need to be still.

Still in the white.

 

Maybe we can

Step into the white

Again

And again

And again

And remember

We need this.

Space.

Nothing.

Breathing room.

Lessening.

Simplicity.

Freedom.

Erasing.

White.

The best is when

you’re in the bathroom

with the door closed

and on the other side

a toddler is pacing

who has recently learned

how to say your name

and he is practicing it

diligently.

“Auntie Howry.

Auntie Howry.

Auntie Howry?”

And then you open the door

and you treat him like an 8 year old,

because 8 year olds say your name all day,

and you pat him on his small back,

some distant, awkward attempt

at loving touch,

and he imitates his big brothers

and makes faces and sounds

that make you remember

that he’s not an 8 year old

and you kneel down

eye-level with him

and scoop him into your heart

and for just

a few short seconds,

the ever-active

baby-become-boy

snuggles in

and is still

before you

let him go.

 

 

I love my naps

in sunny

blank space rooms,

on quiet

no rush

days.

 

This new path

I chose

leads me

here,

allows this.

This breathing space.

This sacred rest.

This surrender.

 

Cause that’s what it is.

It’s anti-productivity

to lie

around

asleep

for an hour

or two

and do

nothing.

 

I’m getting better at this,

doing nothing.

Now I gloat over it

in my mind

to myself.

Revel in it

when it comes

each week

at the end

when I’m stretched thin

and need to just

do nothing.

 

Hours ahead

that I used to rush

to fill,

fast,

I look at unafraid.

Instead, I get to ask,

“What should we do now, God?”

Cause it’s just me and Him

and lots of nothing,

and lots of something,

If we want

or not.

 

 

“Let’s finish that book…”

“Let’s write. You have to. It’s aching inside and has to get out…”

“Let’s walk. Just to the mailbox…maybe farther…”

 

“Let’s take a nap…”

When did I lay down?

How long has it been?

I don’t know the time

cause time doesn’t dictate

these days

and my phone doesn’t follow me,

remind me,

constantly,

of time.

 

Time loses its value

cause there is an abundance of it.

And I’m finally getting better

at wasting it.

 

 

I love that moment

when I become conscious

that I’m in bed,

that I’ve been asleep,

that it’s daylight

and the sun

has shifted the shadows

in the blank space room,

and I’m waking up

but I could slip

the other way,

back into sleep,

if I wanted,

if I were given permission,

and Jesus whispers,

“5 more minutes”

and gives me permission

to go the other way.

 

I want to grow up

Under the open sky

And feel the rain

On my shoulders

And the sun

On my face

 

I want to plant my feet

In the dirt

One with the earth

Again

Like it was in

Eden.

 

 

No greenhouse,

Hot house,

Forced growth

fruit

For me.

 

I grow with the seasons,

Accepting the time

It takes

Outside,

Experiencing

All the changing

Weather,

Making me

Strong,

Hardy, ready

To last

Generations.

 

 

 

 

Empty page days,

Love them.

I no longer

Fear them,

Attempt to

Control them,

Stuff them

Over full.

 

Empty page days,

Where I stop eating

When I stop feeling hungry

Not when I’m full.

 

I think my problem is

I desire more,

More, more,

But what I actually want,

What actually satisfies

Is less.

More is never enough.

 

 

If I wanted less,

Expected less,

Not just from my days,

But from myself,

My world,

Spinning round and round

This calendar,

If I let less come in,

And left more alone,

If I emptied the more

And made more than a bit of elbow room

For less

Who would I be?

 

Simple.

Unhurried.

Free.

 

I would center easier.

Distractions would expire,

Lose their fascination.

There would be more empty page days,

Empty expectation weeks,

Generous margins,

On both sides,

Where God can breathe

And I can hear it.

 

 

I want less

To find Your more.

Cause You’ve said it before

You have the best for me.

Do I believe it?

Do I believe You?

Can I empty

so You can fill

all my less

with  all Your more?

 

Empty page days,

Holy Spirit, what do you want to do today? days,

More less and less more days,

God can breathe days.

 

Love them.

 

Lead me, Christ,

to Your table,

where a weary soul

can rest.

 

Lead me, Christ,

my wounded healer,

to the grace

laid out for us.

 

Embrace me, Christ,

in arms infinite.

Welcome me, “Come,”

Word of Life.

 

Soothe me still,

Patient Father.

Wrap me up

in peace until

 

Your food and wine

Revive me

And I lift my head

To see

 

Your Presence

Captivating,

Captures

My attention,

My soul

Till I’m relieved of these burdens

Slipping off

Slow

 

And I find myself

Engaging,

Contributing

To the dialogue,

Round Your table.

 

The Trinity’s constant

Communion

Of love

Given and received,

Round and round,

Including me.

 

A never ending

Exchange of affection,

Affirmation,

Assurance,

Crowding out

All but this

Deep knowing.

 

I belong.

It’s the human heart cry

Answered in the darkest woods,

By a family

Ever searching

Never giving up.

 

Son and daughter,

come to the Table,

assured of this;

You are found.

You are loved.

You are relieved.

You are enough.

You are comforted.

You are full,

Restored,

Enjoyed,

Cared for,

Here,

At the Table.

Today the frost played with the sun

They got all tangled up

Light dancing

Fractals gleaming

All the branches

Furry with it.

 

And the sun shoved at the frost

And the frost rained down

In glinting flakes

Spinning in light

And the tree

Lost some weight

And breathed a big sigh.

“I will not say much more to you,

For the prince of this world is coming.

He has no hold over me,

But he comes

So that

The world may learn

That I love the Father

And do exactly

What my Father has commanded me,”

~Jesus ~ John 14: 30-31

The enemy came for Jesus

And he was fine with it

Because

this was his opportunity,

in the midst of temptation,

an opportunity,

to reveal

his love

and his unfailing obedience

to His good Father.

 

Adversity

Is our opportunity too,

If we choose to see it that way.

When the enemy

Steals your peace of mind,

Robs your health,

Or the health of your beloved ones,

When he sours your relationships,

Unexpectedly drains your finances,

Haunts your dreams,

Trips you up with temptation,

Blames you for your sin,

Turns your friends against you,

Shrouds you in doubt and uncertainty,

Rallies his troops

To topple your castles

In the sky

Over

And over

Again.

When he preys on your weakness,

Gets a foothold in your thoughts,

And frightens you into submission

To fear and worry.

When the last thing you feel

Is the love of a good Father…

 

He comes that the world may learn

That I love the Father

And do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

 

Can it be said of us?

 

Adversity…our opportunity,

To display

To a tortured, disillusioned world

That Love conquers fear,

That I love a Father worth loving,

Worth obeying,

And these bonds of Love

Are eternal,

They won’t weaken,

Under pressure,

or neglect on my part,

Even when faced with death

Love endures.

 

Can we say

with Joseph,

“You intended to harm me,

but God intended it for good

to accomplish what is now being done,

the saving of many lives.”

 

Obedience,

even when it doesn’t make sense,

like a child obeying a parent,

when the reasons don’t line up

in my finite mind,

and it’s painful,

and I need to lay down

my pride,

my will,

my plans

for my life,

to follow,

trustingly,

the path of submission,

like Jesus.

 

Jesus did exactly what the Father commanded him.

He saved all of humanity from the wrath of judgment by his suffering.

He was separated from God so we would never have to be.

He was sacrificed for our sins

So we can face the judgement seat

Cleared

All because of

Love and obedience,

Through suffering.

“I love the Father and do exactly what he commanded me.”

And the Father wasn’t disengaged from this.

He didn’t sit above the adversity

And make ridiculous, senseless requests.

It was God who was suffering.

That was God who entered into human pain.

That was God who was being tempted by the prince of this world.

By satan,

His old enemy.

God suffered. He gets it. He gets us.

God faced adversity.

He gets it. He gets us.

 

Where do I experience adversity?

The prince of this world,

That unwelcome thief,

Stealing, killing, lying, destroying?

 

Here is my chance.

 

“I love you, Lord.

And I lift my voice,

To worship You,

Oh my soul,

Rejoices.

Take joy my King,

In what you hear,

May it be a sweet,

Sweet sound,

In Your ear.”

 

I pray

That from my love,

my obedience,

in the midst

of suffering,

of adversity,

I pray

They see this…

 

“And we know that in all things

God works for the good

of those who love him,

who have been called

according to his purpose,” ~ Paul ~ Romans 8:28

 

“You intended to harm me,

but God intended it for good

to accomplish what is now being done,

the saving of many lives,” ~Joseph~ Genesis 50:20

 

“I cry out to God Most High,

to God, who vindicates me.

He sends from heaven

And saves me,

Rebuking those who hotly pursue me-

God sends forth his

Love and his

Faithfulness,” ~David ~ Psalm 57:2-3

 

“Father, thank you for hearing me.

 You always hear me,

but I said it out loud

for the sake

of all these people standing here,

so that they will believe

you sent me.”

 Then Jesus shouted,

“Lazarus, come out!” ~ John 11: 41-43

 

 ^“And having disarmed

the powers and authorities,

he made a public spectacle of them,

triumphing over them by the cross,” ~ Paul ~ Colossians 2: 15

 

 

“We can rejoice, too,

when we run into problems and trials,

for we know that they help us

develop endurance.

 And endurance develops

strength of character,

and character strengthens

our confident hope of salvation.

 And this hope will not lead to disappointment.

For we know how dearly God loves us,

because he has given us

the Holy Spirit

to fill our hearts

with his love,” ~ Paul ~ Romans 8: 3-5

 

 

 

 

 

by Luci Shaw

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast

keep warm this small hot naked star

fallen to my arms. (Rest…

you who have had so far

to come.) Now nearness satisfies

the body of God sweetly. Quietly he lies

whose vigor hurled

a universe. He sleeps

whose eyelids have not closed before.

 

His breath (so slight it seems

no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps

to sprout a world.

Charmed by dove’s voices, the whisper of straw,

He dreams,

hearing no music from his other spheres.

Breath, mouth, ear, eyes

He is curtailed

who overflowed all skies,

all years.

 

Older than eternity, now he

is new. Now native to earth as I am,

nailed

to my poor planet, caught that I might be free,

blind in my womb to know my darkness ended,

brought to birth

for me to be newborn,

and for him to see me mended

I must see him torn.