Denying myself.

That’s hard.

I want easy.

If it’s hard

I expect to be at least paid for it

Or publicly recognized.

 

All those little no’s,

All those little yes’s,

Everyday

Without recognition,

Without reward

 

For now.

 

When it comes to this life

My perspective is ridiculously narrow.

70-80 years at best.

And the book closes there.

Right?

Though I know better,

It’s how I live…

A lot.

 

If my value is my health,

Wealth and personal happiness,

In this brief span of

70-80 years,

Then denying myself

Does not fit into the equation

At all.

 

I don’t like hard.

The idea of sharing in Christ’s suffering,

Taking up my cross

Daily…

Of building a Kingdom

I mostly can’t see,

And following

A God whose values differ

So starkly from mine…

It’s like when I hike

And I look ahead at the path,

Looming,

Narrow,

Steep,

Getting steeper by the minute,

And I get all worn out

Just seeing what I need to do next

And the “it’s too hard,” and the “I can’t”s

Nearly paralyze all progress.

 

But you don’t set out to climb a mountain

And stop half way

Just cause every square inch of your poor, uncomfortable body

Wants to be transported to a hot tub, stat.

So I focus my gaze closer,

Just a bit ahead,

So all that is in my immediate view

Is the hiking boots

Of the one who is walking ahead of me.

Cause seeing someone else clamber those

Insurmountable reaches first

Gives me hope.

Makes me think, maybe I can too.

And if I can’t see the feet ahead,

I look at my own feet.

Focus on just one step at a time.

It keeps me sane

And keeps me going,

On and up,

Denying myself,

Following my friend,

Doing hard things.

It always helps if we talk.

Cause it helps me forget,

Briefly, my burning calves,

The pain of the next step.

It’s even better if we laugh

And tell stories

And get lost

In sharing memories

And dreams,

And secrets,

And hopes

And when all the words dry up

There is always singing.

 

So the narrow road is hard,

I get it.

And all that seems

To ease the journey

Is companionship

Along the way

And a “one-step at time”

Perspective,

And water breaks,

And singing,

And the reward.

Cause there is a reward.

The Bible tells me so.

I haven’t reached those

Eternal heights yet

So I can’t say exactly,

But anyone who has ever climbed a mountain knows

The reward is the view.

And maybe that’ll be it in Heaven too.

Looking down,

Seeing all those miles you toiled

Below the clouds,

Seeing it all now

As beautiful

And worth it.

 

All that dying to self,

Denying, carrying my cross,

All the little no’s,

All the little yes’s,

Seemingly unrecognized,

All those little steps,

All the pain,

All those conversations

As you follow your friend

Up the mountain

Worth it.

 

“Self-denial…

means seeing only Christ,

who goes ahead of us,

and no longer the path

that is too difficult for us.

Self-denial is saying only;

He goes ahead of us;

hold fast to him,”

Deitrich Bonhoeffer