I’m a writer

Reluctant.

Mostly cause I want to write

When I want to write,

Not when I don’t.

Not when I should write.

Not when I’m scheduled to write,

Requested to write,

HAVE to write.

I want it all to be inspiration-based.

When the whimsy hits me.

 

I think that’s the way it would be with everything

If I let it.

I’d be a teacher

Reluctant

If I only taught when I wanted to,

Not when I should,

When I’m scheduled,

Requested,

HAVE to.

I’d be a singer

Reluctant.

Guitar player

Reluctant.

Prayer partner

Reluctant.

Jesus-Lover

Reluctant.

Present Friend

Reluctant.

House-cleaner

Reluctant.

Meal preparer

Reluctant.

Work out routine

Reluctant.

Healthy food eater

Reluctant.

 

I’d be a lump on a log,

A slave of my whims,

Randomly directing energy

In short bursts,

Skitterishly,

Here, there, everywhere, nowhere.

 

Let’s say I didn’t.

I didn’t do what I had to when I had to,

Who would I be?

 

I wouldn’t be as good at guitar as I am,

Actually, I would have left it behind long ago,

Cause it was hard

And I didn’t always want to.

 

I wouldn’t be an almost 7 year teacher,

I’d have bought a hippie van and headed for the coast

Long ago,

Cause it has been tough

And I didn’t always want to.

 

I wouldn’t be brave enough to sing,

To lead the congregation as I do now,

Cause it has been very hard,

And I cried a lot,

Because I didn’t always want to.

 

I wouldn’t have the relationship I have with God these days,

Not at all, if I hadn’t pushed through the hard,

The “don’t feel like it” and the “don’t want to’s.”

Especially those dark nights of winter,

and those dark nights of the soul.

 

That goes for all relationships I enjoy currently.

I could have given up on a lot of people a long time ago

Because the “want to” wasn’t there.

 

That’s ridiculous.

This waiting for the “want to.”

 

Someone put it this way,

“It doesn’t matter what you want.

It matters what you will.” 1

 

I can’t wait for the “want to.”

If I do, it could take forever,

Be short lived and scanty,

And I’d have absolutely no backbone

To stand up

And push through

When the next hard thing comes along.

 

Doing what I will when I don’t want to

Produces character.

Hard won, character is (as Yoda would say).

No one gets it

Naturally.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

So this reluctance,

If I give it a push,

It actually gets going,

And I get rolling,

If I keep pushing,

Like riding your bike against the wind,

Resistance.

 

Resistance creates strength.

Strength of character.

Unless reluctance takes a hike

Resistance is nonexistent.

And character is caputz.

And who likes to hang around a lump on a log anyway?

How does a reluctant lump make any kind of lasting difference in this world?

Or find life abundant and fulfilling.

You know the kind of fulfilling.

When you’ve stuck to your work out routine for over a month,

And now it’s a routine you can’t imagine living without.

And said no to sugar until you loose the love of it.

When you see the light bulb turn on above a child’s head,

And three-digit by three-digit multiplication doesn’t produce tears anymore.

The kind of fulfilling when

They comment on how they appreciate how tidy your home is,

And request a recipe for that dessert you thought you’d never master.

The kind of fulfilling when

You see prayers being answered, prayers you forgot you prayed, it was all so long ago.

And you’re able to sing praise and practice thanksgiving

Whether you feel like it or not,

And by the end know

It was worth it

Deep inside.

That kind of fulfilling when

You can pick up that song on guitar quick

Cause you practiced enough to make it seem

Natural.

What?

These hard things,

That reluctance resists,

These resisters that strengthen you

Can become

Natural?

Eventually.

So maybe if

I keep resisting reluctance,

And willing to do

What I don’t want to do,

Maybe all this hard will

Eventually

Become

Natural.

 

 

Dear Reluctant Writer (Me, today anyway),

Remember that your will is stronger than your want.

Boss yourself around a bit.

It’ll make you more the you you wish you were,

Naturally.

Peace

 

 

 

1. http://www.bethel.tv/watch/4082/transforming-your-life-sunday-am/2016/07/03